Written November 24, 2024
To Mom
I should probably do this more often for my own closure.
I don’t know if you’ve been sending me signs and I just haven’t been paying attention or if maybe I need to hold more faith in the fact the lucky breaks I’ve gotten might’ve been assistance from you.
I don’t know what to believe but I’ve been doing better.
The Special Days, the holidays, all without you truly hurt. They’re not the same, but without you here I don’t think I’d want them to be.
Do I accept all of the love I receive, whether I believe it’s fake or not? Do I do the right thing like I’ve always been taught to? Should I say how I really feel and possibly cause some hurt feelings, or just be the bigger person and keep it to myself.
It feels like people might genuinely care about you no longer being here, but why don’t they check in more often? Why don’t they go the extra mile? I understand the world doesn’t revolve around me, but I deserve the same love that I give out to others.
You always gave me that love. You always gave me validation.
I know it would all be so different if you were here, but I know at the same time I wouldn’t be the same person I am today.
I feel stuck at a crossroads at different life decisions you’d typically help me with. I’ve become used to handling it myself but I need a sign, just so I have your assurance.
You always helped me feel confident in my decisions, and even if I didn’t feel confident at the start, I felt like the decision you helped me make was the right one.
I teared up the other day seeing a post that read, “Grief is love with no place to go.” It hit home because it’s true. Do I spread all the love I’d give to you to many other people? Do I give all of that same love to someone else? Do I have to find a new way of giving love?
It feels like this is one of those points in my life where I finally have to trust in my decision making. Finally start looking harder for signs you may be giving me. Truly start following my heart.
I’ve read quote after quote when I needed some guidance about following your heart and not your mind. I always portrayed the image of someone who had self love without actually having any. It feels like now though I need to follow my heart, the love you gave me, the love I had given to you and the love and passion I have for hobbies and others.
I had to remove negative people from my life. I had to remove people who didn’t treat me the way I deserved from my life. My first thought afterwards was “would mom be proud of me?” It feels silly because you never let anybody treat me poorly. You always told me what my value was, even if I didn’t believe it.
I realize now that I need to start believing it. I need to start being grateful for all of the times I scraped by the skin of my teeth or you sent me a sign I chose not to believe.
I will start communicating with others about feeling like I deserve better from them. Not in a mean way, not in a hostile way, I know you wouldn’t want that. I understand now though that getting so much of that off my soul is the only way I’ll feel truly at ease.
Making sure I grieve properly and take a day to feel the pain and love I miss will only help me even more.
I hurts not spending holidays with you. It hurts not spending birthdays with you. It hurts not spending random days of the week with you.
I know I’ll make it through though. I’ve done so for the last 8 and a half years. All I’m asking for is to give me another sign when I need it. Show me you’re truly still listening to me.
Maybe you already have though and I just missed it. I’ll make sure to pay attention more than ever though now.
SLOT 